Real Bear Facts for Real People

My name is Rosco Lee Alejandro Le Croix. People say, why do you have four names? I don’t have four names! Rosco Lee is my FIRST name. Alejandro Le is my MIDDLE name. And Croix is my LAST name. I am the world’s foremost expert on bears. That’s bears, the kind that live in caves, not the kind that play football at Soldier Field, or the kind that are burly homosexuals—though I also run websites on both of those.

I didn’t become the world’s foremost expert on bears by attending some fancy R1 state university. I graduated from Hard Knox University! And that’s not a metaphor. I’m a graduate of a liberal arts school in northeastern Ohio founded by Isaac Hard and William Knox. I have a B.S. in Kinesiology. 

But you didn’t come here to learn about me. You’re here to learn the new facts about bears. Too long have the big university bearologists been the gatekeepers of information about bears. And big government wants to limit you to only the facts about bears that they approve of. Well, I’m here to tell you that this gatekeeper is going to open the flood gates on bear knowledge—there are new bear facts.

I reject the idea that research is the only way of knowing things. Because when you know something, you just fucking know it. You can do all the library research you want to about bears, but you still won’t know dick about bears, because books are books and bears are bears. And I know bears. How do I know bears? Because I fucking know bears. I live with a bear and here is his picture:

You think that’s not a bear, it’s a dog? Well, you fucking don’t know bears!